I've found it hard to find motivation to write or update this blog lately. Anxiety and depression can cripple me beyond words. I'm starting to see the light and with it comes the inspiration to string words together. Somewhat ironically my current writing project involves demons, solitude and a terrible case of bad luck. It had really only occured to me a year or so ago that this project that I'd had sat on the shelf for several years was a metaphor for something that has gripped me hard for most of my life.
Having some time away from the day-to-day is helping enormously. It gives me the opportunity to take stock of my situation and piece together my thoughts. Thoughts which I should mention are all over the damned place. As anyone who has battled depression on any scale will understand rational thinking pretty much disappears out of the window when you're caught up in that awful downward spiral of anxiety.
What I've discovered having less time in the workplace is that I actually need work. I need the work environment. The opportunity of social interaction is something that I value even though I don't much care for the conversations that take place. The chance to talk to another human being is valuable to me.
It's true that I've become rather introverted over the years. Even during my married life I had withdrawn a great deal. All through choice. I pretty much didn't like a lot of people that previously I'd considered close friends. It's a tough situation. I have some close friends and I value them very much.
So to the future and I'm using this opportunity, this sabbatical if you like, to reflect upon where I am and what I want to achieve out of life. Professionally and personally.
And I think that is the interesting thing since for the first time I have identified that my professional interests are aligned with my personal interests.
I enjoy crafting games, characters and stories. Although this isn't my salaried work it is far more profitable to me than my salaried work will ever be and something that deserves closer scrutiny.
In many respects I feel that awkward guy that just stepped in to alcoholics anonymous for the first time ready to make his statement. But for me it's almost an inverse statement since I'd stand up and say "I don't want to do this anymore. I want something different."
Quite what that "different" is I'm not sure although I'm fairly sure it won't involve writing software. There's a side to me that just isn't being explored or tested. A creative side that is rich with ideas. I'm convinced that if I could just step aside from the "normal" life and sink a well in to this untapped creativity I'd have a far more fulfilling and financially rewarding future.