I feel like I am battling depression far more than normal at the moment. I've lost enthusiasm for the little things. The things that used to put a smile on my face and nudge me through the day. I need to step back and take stock.
Writing has become a tremendous release for me. I love the idea that I can sit with a coffee at a keyboard and start some kind of a journey with words. Sometimes early on before I'm showering and getting ready for work I like set myself an hour hour task or project. It more often than not comes from any residual memories left over from my dreams. (Note: I must start keeping a dream diary) Lately I've been dreaming about feeling wanted. Not need or love or passion just plain wanted by someone or something.
This is beneficial to me in many ways. It's also fairly easy to expand upon and flesh out in terms of providing a personality for that which I have befriended.
I also have other projects. I run a small business creating arcade games for mobile phones. It helps to exercise the section of my brain that deals in numbers and problem solving. Sometimes I'm up for it. Other times, like right now, I'm not. What's perhaps most alarming about this is that just an hour ago I was writing code for a game project I've had ongoing for a number of weeks. Then, inexplicably, I switched it off and decided I'd rather write. What about I didn't know I just wanted to write.
This happens a lot.
Today feels rather extreme. I don't always just abandon something in favour of something else. More often than not I simply run out of steam with an idea and go and do something else. Like drive or shop or watch TV or go see friends or family.
Tonight I have the children coming over. I love them both enormously and love it when they are over. It makes me feel human, like I have a purpose. My primary role in life as far as I was concerned was always to be a father. I think it was this that led to my marriage breaking down. I was a father and provider first and a husband second. A lover a very distant third.
So now I'm thinking about life again. About the direction that life takes me. I have a short break coming up in a month or so and I'm going to take the opportunity to unwind as much as possible. I want to see the great outdoors and get excited about breathing fresh air. A close mate is coming with me. In the evening I guess we'll sit with a few drinks and mull over life and where we are at. But ultimately it's all about the relaxation. A chance to recharge the batteries and start again.
Christmas is coming. I am not looking forward to Christmas one bit.