Some days it feels as though the pressures of disabled life are just too much.
This awkward burden that I carry around with me, preventing me from performing the most basic of tasks. Some days it just seems to be that bit more obvious. To me at least.
This last seven months I've embarked on a bit of a journey. A journery away from the old me toward a newly styled and much more confident person. Somebody who is in control and comfortable with his situation. I've made huge leaps in that sense. Starting with weight loss (currently 3 stones / 42 pounds / 19Kg) and currently enjoying some freedom living alone, my journey has thus far been entirely rewarding. I am it has to be said a better person for it.
But there's something missing. There's an element to my situation that doesn't sit comfortably alongside the other changes I've made.
If I were to look at my life as a plotted chart I'd have to say that the peaks are in line with sound sleep and the troughs generally follow anxiety and / or sleep depravation. If I were to analyse this in more detail I would, I'm sure, discover that the peaks and troughs of daily life are in themselves directly linked to alcohol consumption.
I like a drink. I don't drink a lot and generally only socially but I do like a beer or glass of red. But it is definitely a problem for me. This medical condition that has me by the testicles seems to throw all its toys out of the pram when I enjoy a drink. The symptoms are many and diverse but suffice to say it's not your average bloke's reaction to enjoy a drink.
There's the other angle too. The angle of practicality. If I'm using two crutches I can't carry a drink. Immediately I'm dependent on somebody helping me out. So much for this new independence! Of course there's no shortage of people ready to help in that respect but it doesn't do much for a blokes morale or self esteem.
This isn't pride. It's something quite different. It's more of a confidence thing. A means of regaining a little control and at the same time actually enjoying a situation. Feeling at ease with it.
So what this amounts to is that the next great chapter of my life shall involve an element of abstinence from booze. I get the freedom to drive places and leave as I see fit without spending a fortune on taxis and public transport.
So much for the Hemmingway / rock star lifestyle!